Thursday, May 2, 2013

Kept Forever In The Heart

     So, this is a post that I have been avoiding for quite some time. Just like I avoided making the headband that this post was about. But, it is a subject that is so close to my heart.

     A sweet customer/friend asked me a looooooong ways back if I would make a headband representing miscarriage/ child loss. She told me the symbols are blue and pink ribbons. I told her I would and then put it back in the back of my mind where I don't have to think about things that make me sad. I had previously had 2 miscarriages and the pain in my heart was still fresh and painful. The first one was after my second child and was so difficult. I didn't think I would EVER be okay again, or want to risk going through that again. After some time and healing I was able to have my third child. Time went on and we were ready for a fourth child. I found out I was pregnant and soooo excited. I was about 10 weeks and started having horrible cramping on one side. It was so intense one night that I was crying and curled up in a ball. My sweet husband said "we are taking you to the hospital right now." Right then I felt a popping feeling inside and the pain stopped. I told my hubby that I wasn't hurting anymore and no need to go to the hospital. I remember he went downstairs ( I later found out he went and said a quick prayer), and came right back up the stairs and said "I am supposed to take you to the hospital right now!" So we hurried to the hospital and they told me that I was probably "just miscarrying" and to go home. I told them to call my doctor and he told them to to an ultrasound. They did and told the doctor, there was a "little free fluid and no baby". The doctor was furious and said "She had a tubal rupture and is bleeding internally, get her prepped immediately for surgery, I will be right there!" So they came and told me what was going on and a 20 minute procedure turned into 1.5 hours. My poor hubby was freaking out and the doc came out and told him that there was a lot more damage and they had to take my tube. He told him if I had been 20-30 minutes longer getting the surgery, I probably would have bled internally and died. To this day I am so glad my hubby was prompted to get me to the hospital immediately.
     So once again, I had to deal with another loss. Some people didn't understand, and said "Well, at least you weren't very far along". I know they meant well, but the MINUTE I knew I was pregnant, I had hopes and dreams for that baby and a love that goes so deep. I was sad, angry and depressed. It was so not fair! Here was people out there getting pregnant and having abortions and I wanted a baby so desperately. Thru a lot of prayers and time and healing and support, I was able to move on. I had a fourth baby and so happy! You never forget the pain or that baby, but you slowly heal your heart. I since had a sis and sister in law lose a baby as well during pregnancy and I hope through my pain and experience that I was able to help them heal as well. So anyways on to how I FINALLY made this headband.
     This sweet customer was so patient with me, bless her heart. Then in December of this last year, I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited and scared. But once again on New years day, I started cramping and bleeding. I lost my third baby. Oh the pain once again. So the healing process started again. Last month I decided I needed to face things and fully heal, so what better way than to make this headband and hopefully help others. So I sat down in my office and in the quiet and closed my eyes and just thought about my babies that I know are in heaven and I will hold in my arms one day. I started working on the headband and it all came together in moments and I knew that was the way it needed to be. I had the pink and blue ribbons and hearts in the center of the ribbons. Those babies are always kept forever in my heart. So thus, the name and I have to say... this headband process helped to heal me. I hope it helps others and that telling my personal story will help any others out there who have gone through pain like this. There IS happiness after the pain, I promise you. To any of you out there who have gone through this or may in the future, I am here for you.
     Sorry for the long post, I am so glad I finally got it written. I hope it helps somebody. As for my three little angels... they will be Kept Forever In The Heart!